Subject: FW: Too True (Dog People Will Understand ...)

Dear Fur-Children,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so that you are still in the way. Your brown eyes will not win you the best seat in the house. Just because I went to get a glass of water doesn't mean you have next dibs on my seat.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake your claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I falls faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

When I am working on the computer, jumping up and trying to grab the mouse is not helpful. Barking at me because I am not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.

My compact discs and DVD's are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door she entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.

Much love to you my good buddy. It helps that you are a perfect listener when it doesn't involve anything you have done. That you share your body heat unconditionally. That you seem to have a permanent grin. That your eyelids flap when you hang your head out the car window. That you have a strength and endurance I can only envy. And that you have taught me that there is a time to work a time to play and a time to rest. Dogs really are a best friend, and I swear you understand every word I say.